361 quotes
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
The Cynic's Word Book (1906)
KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
The Cynic's Word Book (1906)
An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet– two clarionets.
MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
The Cynic's Word Book (1906)
ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)