361 quotes
In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Happiness...cometh only when unsought, and will not be questioned.
PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.
There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.
ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.
The Cynic's Word Book (1906)
FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.
MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.
The Cynic's Word Book (1906)
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)