As soon as you realize everything's a joke, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.
Funny Quotes
Funny is a tone rather than a subject, and the older writers do better in it than you might expect. Shakespeare has the most entries, followed by Alexander Pope, with Swift, Thomas Fuller and Will Rogers not far behind. Some of the oldest jokes here are still the best: the critic John Dennis, quoted in a magazine in 1781, said that a man who could make so vile a pun would not scruple to pick a pocket.
There is also some more recent material. Jon Stewart’s remark about comedy being tragedy plus time, from The Daily Show in 1999, is here with its language intact. Two lines are flagged as misattributed: Pope’s couplet about knocking on a head with nobody at home, and the one about jesters proving prophets, credited to Joseph Addison.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
Though I am young, I scorn to flit
On the wings of borrowed wit.
For wit and judgment often are at strife,
Though meant each other's aid, like man and wife.
True wit is nature to advantage dress'd,
What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed.
Since brevity is the soul of wit,
And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,
I will be brief.
Great men may jest with saints; 'tis wit in them;
But, in the less, foul profanation.
A jest's prosperity lies in the ear
Of him that hears it, never in the tongue
Of him that makes it.
It is having in some measure a sort of wit to know how to use the wit of others.
I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes. Though I'm gonna be on for an hour.
Satire is a kind of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.