79 quotes
I am billed as a humorist, but of course I am a tragedian at heart.
The Ancient Egyptians considered it good luck to meet a swarm of Bees on the road. What they considered bad luck I couldn't say.
How to Attract the Wombat (1949)
The male is colored much more gorgeously than the female so that he can be shot and made into feather embroidery.
How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes (1931)
Aristotle taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons.
Borrowing has a bad name, but you would be surprised how it helps in a pinch.
They [the Pilgrims] believed in freedom of thought for themselves and for all other people who believed exactly as they did.
The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody (1950)
To the seeing eye life is mostly Sparrows.
How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes (1931)
Male penguins are unfaithful up to an advanced age, a phenomenon sometimes attributed to the sea air.
How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes (1931)
All Modern Men are descended from a Wormlike creature but it shows more on some people.
How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes (1931)
I think you are absolutely right about everything, except I think humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell.
Charlemage. Whenever he decided to help somebody's morals, people would bury their small change and hide in the swamps and forests.
The Great Pyramid of Giza. Although this structure failed as a tomb, it is one of the wonders of the world even today because it is the largest thing ever built for the wrong reason.
The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.
How to Become Extinct (1941)
The Dodo. The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.
I only know that all is lost, and that nothing can help me unless I inherit money, strike oil or go to work.
How to Be a Hermit (1929)
The Three-Spined Stickleback. The father guards the nest and fans it with his pectoral fins until the children are able to shift for themselves. Then he eats them.
Whenever he [Charlemagne] decided to help somebody's morals, people would bury their small change and hide in the swamps and forests.
The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody (1950)
And he [Hannibal] probably believed, up to the very end, that everything might still come out right if he only had a few you-know-whats.
The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody (1950)
Aristotle described the Crow as chaste. In some departments of knowledge, Aristotle was too innocent for his own good.
How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes (1931)
Other kings let their ministers make their mistakes for them, but Louis insisted on making the important mistakes personally.
The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody (1950)