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If the standard for being impeached is "getting a blowjob" or "covering up a burglary", then shouldn't Bush have been executed by now?

— Patton Oswalt Werewolves and Lollipops (2007)

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More quotes by Patton Oswalt

In this age of cynicism, bipartisanship and personal cowardice, it's refreshing to find a group of people willing to die for what they believe.

We're science: we're all about coulda, not shoulda!

The angry "@" tweets from my hammer toed followers opened my eyes. "Pedo-phobe" shaming hurts us all. I am a PROUD pedophile!

During the "first Thanksgiving" at Plymouth, Wampanoag Indians - including a Patuxet Indian named Squanto - helped teach Pilgrims how to farm, fish, and hunt and shared the bounty of that first feast. A tradition that continues today and Jesus and 9/11.

If another one of my Whole-Foods friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet.

My Weakness Is Strong (2009)

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Patton Oswalt (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.