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Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets.

— Zach Galifianakis Saturday Night Live (2013)

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More quotes by Zach Galifianakis

The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Zach Galifianakis (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.