Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.

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Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Dave Barry (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.