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Stephen Colbert Quotes
born 1964 United States
Stephen Tyrone Colbert (born 13 May 1964) is an American satirist, comedian, writer, actor, and television host most famous for his work on The Daily Show, The Colbert Report from 2005 to 2014 where he portrays a parody of conservative media pundits, and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert from 2015 to 2026. He graduated from Northwestern University in 1986, and appeared in the films Nobody Knows Anything! (2003), Snow Days (1999), and Shock Asylum (1997).
United States Actors Comedians Critics Novelists Also known as: Stephen colbert, Steve Colbert
Random Stephen Colbert quote
70 quotes
Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit.
White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)
When you’re in this room, I don’t know how to describe it. It’s soaked in history. It just washes over you. I mean, it’s not even like it’s in the past. You’re in history. You’re in it.
We decided that my character had a pre-show tradition, like a ritual, which was to sing the lyrics to "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick into the mirror. Because, more than anything else, as much as he says he's bringing the truth, he just wants to be liked.
You said the war would pay for itself in fruit baskets. You said that our soldiers would march in the streets of Havana and people would shower them with bananas and cigars. That didn’t happen. Would you like to look into the camera and apologize to the American people?
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)
He took showers with the other pros...
Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome! Your great country [of China] makes our Happy Meals possible!
White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)
Over the weekend it sunk in that they’re killing off our show. But they made one mistake: They left me alive!
I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)
Because if this is gonna be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we've got to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition — and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
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