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Quotes from The Bachelor Home Companion — P. J. O'Rourke

1947–2022 United States

← All quotes by P. J. O'Rourke

13 quotes

Even newlyweds don't spend much time together, now that few marriages outlast the appliance warranties.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

Never serve oysters during a month that has no paycheck in it.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

Keeping house is as unpleasant and filthy as coal mining, and the pay's a lot worse.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

There's only one secret to bachelor cooking — not caring how it tastes.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

You can keep the dining room clean by eating in the kitchen.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

For some mysterious Darwinian reason, women feel compelled to straighten up bedrooms before and after sex. Try to make love in every other room of the house.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

A steady job is at least as deleterious to the spirit of bachelorhood as a steady date. Some jobs are worse than actual wives.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

Cleaning, like seduction, should be done from the top down — starting with the ceiling, which is ridiculous. Gravity takes care of that.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

The real truth about children is they don't speak the language very well. They're physically uncoordinated. And they are ignorant of our elaborate ideas about right and wrong.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

Despite the fact that meat is made from dead animals, it shouldn't smell that way. Try this test for meat freshness: close your eyes and see if you can tell the pork chops from a gym locker.

The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)

Attribution

Quotes and notes from Wikiquote: P. J. O'Rourke (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0.