135 quotes
Marijuana is […] self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?
Of course, the humans in Haiti have hope. They hope to leave.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
Even newlyweds don't spend much time together, now that few marriages outlast the appliance warranties.
The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)
Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Third World is probably the road.
Holidays in Hell (1989)
People with a mission to save the earth want the earth to seem worse than it is so their mission will look more important.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
I guess the argument of contextuality is that anything is okay as long as it's done by people who are sufficiently unlike you.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
Jewishness cropped up and has never successfully been put down since.
Republican Party Reptile (1987)
Never serve oysters during a month that has no paycheck in it.
The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)
There are probably more fact-finding tours of Nicaragua right now than there are facts— the country has shortages of practically everything.
Holidays in Hell (1989)
The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.
The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)
Every generation finds the drug it needs.
Republican Party Reptile (1987)
They don't like anyone who isn't Korean, and they don't like each other all that much, either. They're hardheaded, hard-drinking, tough little bastards, "the Irish of Asia".
Holidays in Hell (1989)
Harvard has been almost as important to the American Jewish community as the pork-sausage industry.
Holidays in Hell (1989)
There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily.
Holidays in Hell (1989)
One thing that's certain about going outdoors: When you come back inside, you'll be scratching.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
Parliament of Whores (1991)
Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby.
Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut (1996)