264 quotes
What is the purpose of life?
Here was what Kilgore Trout cried out to me in my father's voice: "Make me young, make me young, make me young!"
Breakfast of Champions (1973)
Well, I just want to say that George W. Bush is the syphilis president.
We could have saved the earth, but we were too damned cheap.
If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young (2013)
Scientific truth was going to make us so happy and comfortable. What actually happened when I was twenty-one was that we dropped scientific truth on Hiroshima.
Bennington College address (1970)
War is now a form of TV entertainment, and what made the First World War so particularly entertaining were two American inventions, barbed wire and the machine gun.
I Love You, Madame Librarian (2004)
The thing I just wrote [Slaughterhouse Five] is my masterpiece. The rest of it is going to be crap from now on.
This speech will be very short. After all, you asked me to come here — I didn't ask you.
During the Vietnam War, Abbie Hoffman announced that the new high was banana peels taken rectally. So then FBI scientists stuffed banana peels up their asses to find out if this was true or not.
A Man Without a Country (2005)
If I'd been born in Germany, I suppose I would have been a Nazi, bopping Jews and gypsies and Poles around, leaving boots sticking out of snowbanks, warming myself with my secretly virtuous insides. So it goes.
Mother Night (1962)
Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.
The Sirens of Titan (1959)
I can't think in terms of boundaries. Those imaginary lines are as unreal to me as elves and pixies. I can't believe that they mark the end or the beginning of anything of real concern to the human soul. Virtues and vices, pleasures and pains cross boundaries at will.
Mother Night (1962)
Do you think Arabs are dumb? They gave us our numbers. Try doing long division with Roman numerals.
A Man Without a Country (2005)
We've sure come a long way since then. Sometimes I wish we hadn't. I hate H-bombs and the Jerry Springer show.
A Man Without a Country (2005)
Freud said he didn't know what women wanted. I know what women want. They want a whole lot of people to talk to.
God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian (1999)
If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:
THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC.
See the nigger fly the airplane!
Hocus Pocus (1990)
I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War.
God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian (1999)
"The hell with the human race!" said Beatrice.
"You're a member of it, you know," said Rumfoord.
"Then I'd like to put in for a transfer to the chimpanzees!" said Beatrice. "No chimpanzee husband would stand by while his wife lost all her coconuts."
The Sirens of Titan (1959)
So let's give another big tax cut to the super-rich. That'll teach bin Laden a lesson he won't soon forget.
Cold Turkey (2004)