115 quotes
I did swear a little bit in the beginning [of my stand-up career] and then I didn't like how easy it was. It felt like cheating, so I stopped.
Reddit "Ask Me Anything" #3 (2016)
I want my comedy to be the things nobody else talks about. Not necessarily things people don't want to talk about, but just things that everybody else missed.
Judd Apatow Interview (1983)
I'm a single guy. I date. I think I enjoy it. For me, nothing caps off a week like four hours of solid tension.
Redbook Feature (1991)
[Larry and I] never obsess over anything that isn't mundane.
Reddit "Ask Me Anything" #1 (2014)
It might be fun to see what it's like to run something into the ground. I missed out on that. I'm curious about it. I want to know what it's like for everyone else.
New York Times Profile (2015)
To me, America used to be a place that made steel, and cars, and had giant department stores. Now, basically, we produce amateur talent and people [who] judge amateur talent.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012)
That's the greatest thing about comedy. If you've got talent, it's unmistakable. No one misses it and you don't have to wait around for a break.
Judd Apatow Interview (1983)
We're all tryin' to get to the same island. Whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light comes on.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012)
It's very important for human beings to feel they are popular and well-liked among a large group of people that they have no interest in.
Shut Up and Drive
SeinLanguage (1993)
The only line I quote from [Seinfeld] [...] is "If you're one of us, you'll take a bite." [...] Sometimes I'll quote Newman in flames screaming "Oh the humanity."
Reddit "Ask Me Anything" #1 (2014)
The best advice I ever got was from Rodney Dangerfield, who when I asked him a question about something in comedy, just looked at me for a second and then went, "You'll figure it out."
Reddit "Ask Me Anything" #3 (2016)
Our job is not for us to enjoy it. Our job is to make sure they enjoy it, and that's what we did [on Seinfeld].
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012)
A stand-up act is like a tennis game: I mean, even if you're good, you gotta keep playing if you want to keep that game at a certain point.
Fresh Air" Interview (2007)
I really feel that that's one of the big powers of adulthood, is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing. I think that's why they can set up the DMV that way.
Stand-Up Confidential (1987)
I think the duck really is the perfect model of how to live: paddle as hard as you can beneath the surface, let everything else roll off your back, and have a little sense of humor about your appearance.
Whenever an idea would come out that was too crazy for me, it would always fit George perfectly. George was really a catch-all for a lot of ideas. He was a guy who you could "buy" doing any number of extreme problem-solving techniques.
Seinfeld Featurettes (2004)
George never felt guilty that he was trying to cheat someone, because he had already been cheated, as far as he was concerned! He was just getting a small amount back from the casino that had already totally emptied out his bank account!
Seinfeld Featurettes (2004)
I was lucky in that I was introduced to fame very-- in a very slow, incremental way.
Sunday Sitdown" Interview (2018)
Poetry is bad standup. It's carefully chosen words that have no laugh at the end.*
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012)
The guy on stage: I made that up. The real me is alone, in the room; that's who I am. I learned that-- the skill of people.
What a Joke" Radio Show (2019)