Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. Himself (1983)
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair, and the first thing they grab is an iron hook. Himself (1983)
Carol Burnett put it best when she described labor pains. She said, "Take your bottom lip, and pull it over your head." Himself (1983)
My wife and I have five children, and the reason we have five children is because we do not want six. Himself (1983)
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em — they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain. Himself (1983)