361 quotes
RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Mark how my fame rings out from zone to zone:
A thousand critics shouting: "He's unknown!"
VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
The Devil's Dictionary (1948)
ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Peyton Fahrquhar was dead; his body, with a broken neck, swung gently from side to side beneath the timbers of the Owl Creek bridge.
While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor guide.
PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Male, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of remarkable Christian forbearance among men — were it not for a mawkish humanitarianism, coupled with imperfect digestive powers, we should devour our young, as Nature intended.
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.