361 quotes
APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent.
BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Marriage, n. A community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Sycophant, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked.
FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
The Cynic's Word Book (1906)
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)