361 quotes
Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage...
Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.
WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane as is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
"There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust."
"There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must."
Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
EXISTENCE, n.
A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!"
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Amnesty, n. The state’s magnaminity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Overwork, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Extinction, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)