361 quotes
Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
POLITICS, n. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Absent, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.
CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
This is a simple story of a battle; such a tale as may be told by a soldier who is no writer to a reader who is no soldier.
What I Saw At Shiloh (1881)
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Study Herod, madame, study Herod.