361 quotes
Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
The Cynic's Word Book (1906)
Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
The Cynic's Word Book (1906)
Forgetfulness, A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
A kiss is but a modified bite, and a fond mother, when she rapturously avers that her babe is 'almost good enough to eat,' merely shows that she is herself only a trifle too good to eat it.
The Cynic's Word Book (1906)
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)