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"Great-grandfather died under strange circumstances. He opened a vein in his bath."
"I never knew baths had veins," protested Gabrilowitsch."
"I never knew his great-grandfather had a ba—" began Falcovsky derisively.

— S. J. Perelman

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More quotes by S. J. Perelman

The main obligation is to amuse yourself.

I have Bright's disease and he has mine.

Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.

The Rising Gorge (1961)

Only the scenario writers are exempt. These are tied between the tails of two spirited Caucasian ponies, which are then driven off in opposite directions. This custom is called "a conference".

"Oh, son, I wish you hadn’t become a scenario writer!" she sniffled.
"Aw, now, Moms," I comforted her, "it’s no worse than playing the piano in a call house."

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: S. J. Perelman (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.