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There are those of you who may choose to live in a dream world where the glass is half full, but if you do, you're an imbecile. The glass will never be half full. Nor full ever again. It's simply on its way to empty. It's half empty, three-quarters empty, then totally fucking empty.

— Brad Garrett When the Balls Drop (2015)

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More quotes by Brad Garrett

Pride can make you look like a dick if you're not careful.

When the Balls Drop (2015)

As a side note, I'd like to propose that aim is more mathematical than we tend to acknowledge. For me, it's: smallish dick ÷ long torso = distance to bowl.

When the Balls Drop (2015)

The goons needed some comic relief, and I needed an audience. I had found my niche.

When the Balls Drop (2015)

When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my athletic potential. The townspeople refused to believe that I couldn't play ball.

When the Balls Drop (2015)

"I was such a large sperm, my mother went into labor during conception."

When the Balls Drop (2015)

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Brad Garrett (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.