14 quotes
A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
As Harris K. Telemacher in L.A. Story (1991)
Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
Hosting the 73rd Academy Awards (2001)
Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
As Harris K. Telemacher in L.A. Story (1991)
You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.
As Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr in The Man with Two Brains (1983)
It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
Anytime you look at anything that's considered artistic, there's a commercial world around it: the ballet, opera, any kind of music. It can't exist without it.
People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!
As Navin R. Johnson in The Jerk (1979)
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
A Wild and Crazy Guy (1978)
All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid."
Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid.
I still don't know what it means.
As Rigby Reardon in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
There's a lot of thought in art. People get to talk about important things. There's a lot of sex, you know, in art. There's a lot of naked women and men, and there's intrigue, there's fakery. It's a real microcosm of the larger world.
Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! [audience repeats] I promise to be unique! [audience repeats] I promise not to repeat things other people say! [audience repeats, laughs] Good!
A Wild and Crazy Guy (1978)
You know, a lot of people come to me and they say: "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.
Let's Get Small (1977)