98 quotes
The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able to set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one "Doubtful" and the other 3 "Useless".
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, then i am happy.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz money--a mere pimp tew hiz welth.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and halff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her as yu have.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's knose whom you meet.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
Love is like the measles; we can't have it bad but once, and the later in life we have it the tougher it goes with us.
Affurisms. From Josh Billings: His Sayings (1865)
I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
I don't kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
There iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turned the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
Thrice is he armed that hath his quarrel just, But four times he who gets his blow in fust
Affurisms. From Josh Billings: His Sayings (1865)
If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm of bees lite onto me.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)
Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish.
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)