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Dave Attell Quotes
born 1965 United States
Dave Attell (born January 18, 1965, in Rockville Center, New York) is an American stand-up comedian, actor and writer best known as the host of Comedy Central's Insomniac with Dave Attell
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24 quotes
I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, “Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?”
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
The sun comes up and so does your dick. 'Cause at heart your dick’s a farmer!
If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Some things are the same wherever you go. Like, if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is super-hot, you should be able to fuck one time.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
Ever wrestle your dog 'til you cum?
Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.
Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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