Artemus Ward Quotes
d. 1867 United States
Artemus Ward (April 23, 1834 – March 6, 1867) was the nom de plume of Charles Farrar Browne, an American humorous writer.
- United States
- Authors
- Humorists
Also known as: Ward, Artemus, Charles Farrar Browne
Random Artemus Ward quote
18 quotes
The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.
My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent, altho' she isn't always gentle as a lamb, with mint sauce.
The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.
Artemus Ward, His Book (1862)
Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrer [sic] money to do it with.
Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the emergency, and cave in the emergency's head.
They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.
He is dreadfully married. "He's the most married man I ever saw in my life."
I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.
I am not a politician, and my other habits air good.
The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.
The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over.
I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.
His Travels, Lecture (1865)
The happy married man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all—he sort of rots away, like a pollywog's tail.
Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?
Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?
I now bid you a welcome adoo.
Artemus Ward, His Book (1862)
N.B. This is rote sarcastikul.
Artemus Ward, His Book (1862)
...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.
Artemus Ward, His Book (1862)