361 quotes
CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil.
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.
Mammon, n.: The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.
The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Christian, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
Devil's Dictionary (1911)
CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)