361 quotes
Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
ABANDON, v.t. [1.] To correct an erring friend or admonish a needy one. Of women the word abandoned is used in the sense of indiscreet. [2.] To confer the advantage of being rid of you. To recant.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another.
FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions.
The Cynic's Dictionary (1906)
Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by hamstringing it.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)