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If all goes well, about a week. If not, about an hour and a half.

— Rodney Dangerfield

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Source and credibility

Wikiquote does not flag this quote as disputed or misattributed.

Source: His last words quoted in Rosemarie Jarski, ed., Funniest Thing You Never Said 2 (2010). p. 501
Source quality: Secondhand citation Quoted from another book or article rather than from the original.

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I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

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I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

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I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

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I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

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What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

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I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.

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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

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More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004)

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004)

Why, that's the story of my life--no respect; I mean, I don't get no respect at all!

It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004)

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004)

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004)

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Rodney Dangerfield (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.