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Rub one out like a man, it's the champagne of victory.

— Bill Burr You People Are All the Same (2012)

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More quotes by Bill Burr

Women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are and no one corrects 'em cause they wanna fuck 'em.

Let It Go (2010)

There's a critical point, when you've stayed single too long, that your brain switches from "No, don't say that" to "Eh, fuck it. Say it, see what happens."

Why Do I Do This? (2008)

First of all, getting mad at a politician is like getting mad at Jennifer Aniston cause it's bad episode of Friends. They don't write it.

Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice. – You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"

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Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Bill Burr (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.