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Someone stopped Mitch on the street last night and said, "I need another seventy-five cents so I can buy a cheeseburger. How about helping me?"
Mitch said, "Get it without the cheese," and continued walking.

— David Sedaris Theft by Finding: Diaries, Volume 1 (1977-2002) (2017)

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More quotes by David Sedaris

Our artwork did not hang on the refrigerator or anywhere near it, because our parents recognised it for what it was: crap.

Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls (2013)

"Cut corners and it'll always come back to bite you in the ass." That was one of her sayings.

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (2004)

'It is ironic that nudists are just about the last people you'd ever want to see naked.

Naked (1997)

If you talk to people, you can have whatever you want.

Theft by Finding: Diaries, Volume 1 (1977-2002) (2017)

Something has changed, and now, when I look at my students, I see only people who are going to eat up my time.

Theft by Finding: Diaries, Volume 1 (1977-2002) (2017)

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: David Sedaris (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.