14 quotes
My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "Dude...."
Weapons of Self Destruction (2009)
Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
Nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here! Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made off." Hmm. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
And I know many of you are looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and nonfiction, in the fantasy aisle.
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi: These may not be women you'd want to fuck, but you definitely don't want to fuck with them. And if you don't think a woman can handle a war, ask the Argentinians.
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don't know about East coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. (indicates a position about a foot above the stage floor)
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go "no..."
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
Twitter broke the other day, and a lot of people were going, "My Thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no reason! What's that?" "A book". "Who are you?" "Dad. I miss you. Let's talk."
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Somebody's losing a trailer.
Weapons of Self Destruction (2010)