171 quotes
In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
The Devil's Dictionary (1948)
ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Male, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
The Devil's Dictionary (1911)